Well, I do not really know where to begin with this. I have a friend who I have known for at least 7 years. At one time we were romantically involved though now and for the past few years we have just maintained as friends.

Since we first met he has been in 2 State Hospitals, one in which his is currently a patient. This last stay has been for a little over a year. I have been supportive through at least 2 letters a week with stamps and small things and phone calls about twice a month. This has been going very well as I really have no other friends in 3D and he hasn't really been around me in 3D for over a year as it is a long drive and I have not made it down to see him.

I called him tonight and he was telling me his is on the waiting list for a group home here, and when he gets out he is going to need me to be there for him as a friend for support.

He says he has the first 2 weeks to prove he is able to stay out of the State Hospital and needs me to spend time with him at the Day Center between his groups and activities there. He says even if it is to spend time together and sit in my car and talk.

All of this is really overwhelming me, as I do dearly love him as a friend, though as a long distance has been what I am capable of. He says I am the only one here who has been there for him while he has been there, and needs me to be around when he is at the Day Center.

And as selfish as this is and sounds, I don't want him to come home. All the while I care about him and know he has worked hard for this, only to me I just can't see myself getting around at 8 am, and leaving the house to go and spend time with him as much as he wants. He can't leave the Day Center, and I am only used to leaving my apartment once a day to go and run errands for about and hour then coming home. I just do not think I am capable to leave 2 -3 times a day to 'be there' as my normal once a day already overwhelms me and cases anxiety.

The very thoughts of all this of him coming home or 'getting out' has just distressed me. His is talking like every single day Monday thru Friday doing things or meeting him and spending time together and I guess I am afraid I can't handle all of that.

I just don't know if I can be what he needs me to be and be who 'I need me to be' both.

Has anyone else ever had a good friend or loved one away for a period of time then back into your life and had mixed feelings of their return? Any suggestions? Much apppreciated.

Thank you for thaking the time to read this-Chris

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~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!