Oh how you evade me. I've followed my nightly routine so well. But yet you linger just beyond my reach. Could it be because of actions of the day? Up up up so high above the realm of men invincible untouchable even. Watching everyone else squirm and wiggle below the magnifying glass. Knowing that they know I'm better. That I'm special and they should respect that. Then to come home and want no contact physically with my spouse. Then I pushed her out of no where I pushed her across the kitchen floor. Then she ran and the thoughts fed the fire. How dare she run away from me, am I that freaking bad of a person? did I hurt her? Calm mellow try to relax what would I do if I were her? I would be scared hell thinking about it I'm scared. What if it wouldn't have stopped at a push... What if it'd have ben a punch? I would have to be locked away with no way to let me out. How would any one be able to trust me knowing I had hurt her my other half? I wouldn't be able to I know that. These thoughts are fueling the self injurious thoughts but I can't dact on those so here I lay trying to force sleep but knowing deep inside it won't come until it's ready... Forgive me for rambles. Forgive me for pain. I wish to sink down a but to manageable, but I'm afraid of sinking too low. Deal with it or force the change? Difficult decisions....

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