Been thinking about it a lot the past few days. My life is hopeless, because I can't ever erase the past. I guess I don't even care if people know, I know, and I can't forget. It just hurts so much, every day and night are torture now.

Modern psychiatry says we are not allowed to control our own destiny, and we are not allowed to choose when and how to go. Instead, their answer is to lock people up as if they were criminals "for your own good" and force snake oil treatments on them that really don't work.

Yet, they tell us to view the "medical model" of mental illness - it's a disease, it's not your fault, you shouldn't feel any shame or stigma about it.

Oncologists don't do that to cancer patients.

They treated me exactly like a criminal, and all I have left is a shell of myself filled with pain and bitterness and anger. And, that, boys and girls, is why I see no reason to live. I won't go out and off myself, at least not yet. I will exist, but I will not live. There is a difference. I've been a dead man walking for 17 months, just waiting for the end to come.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

(Oh) I know what it takes to move on
(Oh) I know how it feels to lie
(Oh) All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

Linkin Park, 'Waiting For The End'