After my bad session last week and the ok but akward group on Monday I don't want to see my T tomorrow. At the moment I'm trying to find any reason not to go, and as I'm not allowed any contact with my T in the 24 hours following self harm, I've been considering doing it on purpose. But doing this would open a new can of worms... not sure that's what I need now.

The thing is I know we have a lot to discuss about how she makes me feel lately, but I don't know how to go about it. Maybe by mentioning the first line of the handout she gave us on Monday: "Every DBT patient is trying is doing his best to change and should be treated as such" I really had to resist laughing out loud, as lately this doesn't seem to apply to me. I know my T is getting frustrated with my lack of progress over the last few months, especially as I progressed a lot during my first year in T. But I swear I AM trying. I just don't know how to turn my whole life around when only getting out of bed every morning is a struggle...

I also know I should mention what happenned on Tuesday at work: I had to drive for 7 hours straight for work, taking minimal breaks. After the first two hours I felt like I was falling asleep, so I took a 10 minute break and tried to catnap. In the past this has helped and I was fine afterwards. This time I was ok when I starteddriving again, but I dozed of 10 minutes later. I was lucky, it happenned on a very broad highway with no one around. I woke up on the wrong lane but that's it. I know it's related to my insomnia, but if I mention it, all I'll get is the usual: you need to get a full-time job and move out! Yeah thanks... that will help if next time I'm not this lucky and something bad happens.

I kind of wish I could simply put job applications on her desk and say: "now we can talk about important subjects", but I doubt this will go over well... I'm just so frustrated right now, because I know she wants to help me, but is taking the wrong approach... well, maybe I'll get lucky and have to work tomorrow, so I can't go to T without it being my fault....