freewill,

I can really, really, really relate to your feelings. Those who abuse, and those who set us up for it, take so much from us. The pain and loss go so deep into the soul. I have felt all of this and more, to the point of near suicide. And I have tried lots and lots of ways to numb the pain, the confusion, the despair, the anger, the torment -- like you, I have been there and, in many ways, still am.

But I really urge you not to give up. And I urge you not to just look for ways to numb -- it really doesn't work in the end. Your soul is yours and you can take it back. It is hard and it takes time and effort, but you deserve to heal. I've been working to take myself back, one moment and one decision at a time. When I want to numb out with anything -- or when I have and its over and I feel guilty and lost for it -- I still do something healthy for me, to say to myself that I deserve to make a better life for myself, even if just for that moment.

Someone here wrote this to me once and I'll leave you with this thought: "If I'm going to get better I have decided to move beyond it. Each time I decide to walk the other way when I want to break down and cry over my past pains I become the person I wish to be. Each time I am able to turn my back on the visions I take back a little of what was taken away from me. Fighting to break away from being a victim doesn't make me better or stronger, it just makes me whole."

be well,

mtd