Stop telling your dad anything; he is not a safe person. Do not share anything sensitive with anyone.....unless yu know they are safe and can be trusted with what yu have to say.Glad you will be seeing a therapist. You arent' a monster, but someone in pain.

Boundaries by TOwnsend and Cloud is an excellent resource
The Verbally abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of abuse.

Hugs, Nicole