So, I was reunited with my former T today after a few months due to being in treatment. The nature of my attachment to her is certainly different, but it actually feels more healthy than it was because I wasn't hanging on her every word. It was just a much more heavy session than what I'm used to with her because of the content in it. I still struggled to talk about my feelings and I think that it is a me issue since this is the second T where this is a problem.

I couldn't help but feel like she was a little bit jealous or upset or something over the fact that I bonded so tightly with LCM. She didn't say anything negative about it, it was just the look on her face and her tone of voice that made me feel that way. She said "it sounds like LCM is able to be there for you in ways I couldn't be". And I just feel like maybe she feels like she failed or something or maybe she feels slightly uncomfortable because now she isn't the only person I'm seeing when in the past, she was all I had and I clung to her very tightly.

Maybe it's just me assuming she feels that way based on really nothing substantial, but I couldn't help just feeling a little bad. I didn't want her to feel replaced because she wasn't replaced. LCM didn't replace her, she took on a different role. I did have some maternal feelings towards my old T, but they were not at all as intense as the ones I have for my current T because the reasons I had any maternal feelings for her at all was because the school would usually report to her if I was having issues. I felt like she was somewhat responsible and therefore, somewhat of a mother. But it wasn't even remotely in the same category of LCM.

I dunno. I was old T's first ever client and she had been with me for two years. I was her project in a way. I felt like I was her favorite client too even though she'd never EVER tell me. I didn't pick up on that today. She was just super low energy and seemed kinda sad. But I did tell her some really sad stuff. But she seemed sad even before that and even when I talked about LCM. Her tone of voice was quiet too and she wasn't as smiley as she used to be when she would come out in the lobby to greet me.

Maybe she was just having a bad day and hearing about the trauma she didn't know about that I've been working on wasn't very uplifting. Maybe she feels bad about me not telling her about this trauma after so long. She said "you waited a long time to talk about this". Maybe she doesn't believe me that this happened. She didn't say anything that would make me believe that she felt jealous or replaced. It felt like she was trying to set her feelings aside, but she has always had a really rotten poker face. She said she was happy that I had a relationship the way I do with LCM and that she was happy that she could tell that I love her without me even saying it. I just picked up on something I came out of it feeling kinda guilty and I need to stop speculating about her potential feelings before I speculate something really off the walls and hurtful.