I have no joy and my face is expressionless. Schizoaffective does this expressionless thing to people. It's a symptom called flat affect. I feel dead inside. I suffer things nobody knows about because it's a silent disease. Very hard to explain unless you've had it before. Anybody here has probably had it.

I don't want to live anymore. This is not a suicidal note. I will live. But I don't really want to. There's too much silent suffering, where I can't be sure anybody really knows what I'm truly going thru. There is confusion. Frustration and anger. Questions and doubt about who I am. Do I make a difference? Will I not feel anything joyful for the rest of my life? Will life hold meaning for me, at some point?

Then, there's the moral questions - am I a good person? Have I done what I could to make amends and stay away from doing things that harm others and myself?

Do I have a choice in suffering? Does coping skills only cover up a deeper problem that ought to be pursued? Or have I psyched myself out for too long? What if all this is unnecessary? What if I'm the bad guy in all this?

I'm hoping by sharing my questions others with the same illness may be able to identify with them. And feel free to ask more questions. Answer some of them if you can.