Quote:
Originally Posted by growlithing
My life is a complete mess even more so than before I went into treatment. I don't know where I'm going to live or how I'm going to fund it. I don't want to lose my bed. I can't stop thinking about the past. I don't think I can face the future because I honestly think I'm going to wind up homeless and LCM can't adopt me off the streets like I'd wish she would. I wake up in the middle of the night screaming and I wake up in the morning, pissed off that I didn't die in the night and I feel like I can't tell anyone about this because I'm supposed to be better. But I'm not and I sincerely hate myself.
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You REALLY need to lay this out bluntly with somebody. I am not sure of the American social care system, but it sounds like right now you come into the category of 'vulnerable adult' and need a social worker or somebody similar to help you figure out the practicalities of finding secure shelter for a start. Does your uni have a pastoral care team or a student advice centre? They might be a place to start? They also might have an emergency fund for students in a tight financial spot.
A fear of homelessness (with good reason, like yours) is NOT going to help your other issues. You need a secure base where you can start to be able to relax. Hopefully between all these Ts, your friends, and your school a plan of some kind can be made that will allow you to be confident you have a home. But I think you are going to have to grit your teeth and push for help. Believe me - I know what it's like to have to keep busting your *** trying to sort out the mundane but crucial stuff when you feel like you have zero energy or interest, no more juice in the tank. But you really need to help yourself by pushing for the right help sorting out your accommodation issue.
I also think that once you take the steps and it is sorted, it might give you a much-needed confidence boost that you CAN take care of yourself (with appropriate help and support, like us all). Your brain is firing off on circuits making you fantasize about your LCM adopting you because your mother told you you weren't able to look after yourself. But (as I'm sure you know cognitively) that simply is not true, and it certainly doesn't have to be true in the future. I only know you through PC, but I can say with confidence you are a bright and articulate girl, and from what you have mentioned about your music you must be very gifted as a musician. You have so much to give, the world is at your feet and there are many options available to you. I'm going to stop there, because I don't want to bend your ear without invitation
Hugs, because it's ****ing hard and grim as **** at times.