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Originally Posted by Trippin2.0
I highly doubt that's the reason your thread got less than the desired amount of responses.
You actually seem to me like the exact opposite of an emotional vampire, and I actually find myself sad and frustrated that you believe yourself to be so undeserving and unworthy.
You've made it clear that your standards where dating men are set very low, all you basically want is to feel safe and be treated like a humanbeing, anything more would be a bonus. You've also made it abundantly clear that you don't feel like you deserve to have your needs met, so emotionally you'd actually be very cheap, and not at all like a vampire. But I worry at what cost to you.
Balance is important, we all have to learn at one point or another how to strike ours. Maybe my balance looks nothing like Max's, and his looks nothing like yours, but it doesn't mean none of us have found balance.
I think that if you're hoping to copy and paste my balance, that it won't work for you, and probably seems impossible to do. But you also have to be open to new ideas and not shoot everything down because its unfamiliar or scary. Sometimes people stop talking when its clear that for whatever reason the listener refuses to listen.
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I guess I was looking for ideas to how other people balance needs, so I could relate it to my own. For example, I sort of have a "special" diet…somewhere between vegetarian and vegan and I feel badly that that means when I go to someone's house for dinner or go out to eat that the choices are severely limited. I mean, I think I ruined my Dad's birthday dinner because we went to a Thai place with vegetarian options rather than a steakhouse where I'd either have to get really creative with a salad option or not eat anything at all. Which actually is fine. Other than my blood sugar crashing occasionally, it doesn't bother me that much if I don't eat.
I just don't think it's fair that my diet accidentally affects other people's diets…I would rather not eat than ruin someone else's meal.
And the other big issue—my problems with touch—it's not like I don't want to be touched at all ever, it's just that I'd have to be eased into it because touch wasn't how affection was shown to me. I don't associate the two like a normal person does. How is that fair to someone else? When they can just date nearly anyone else who doesn't have a problem with touch…I mean, I don't even know how to explain the problem. It's not like anyone who wants to show affection that way is going to stick around long enough for me to explain why I seem "physically distant" on a date. Example: The guy I've liked since the Fall prefers expressing affection in a physical manner, but when we went out on a date he gave me enough space to feel safe. I'm sure he left feeling that he wanted someone he could touch and I would appear to be the opposite of that. It's too bad; there are few guys that I would feel safe alone with and he would be one of them. But I've probably already burned that bridge.
What I really want to know is when am I asking too much? And how do you ask for something like physical space and being taught how to show affection? It would pretty much have to come up on the first date because they're never going to go on the second date with you anyway because you weren't touchy-feely enough. I'm not talking anything suggestive either, just hugs and holding hands and such.
Quote:
Originally Posted by IndieVisible
Of course you would be there when needed. If one has more needs so what?
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What if I want to be there when needed but I can't, either physically or emotionally? And do people really not care if someone they're paired with has more needs than them? Doesn't that lead to resentment? Especially if you can't fulfill all of their needs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trippin2.0
No 2 people are exactly the same, so one is going to need more than the other, one is going to be more affectionate than the other, etc.
I need more emotional support than my bf does. I also need a different type of support to him. While I need a sounding board, hugs and a strong character to call me out on my bullshyt, he needs someone willing to give him space or just offer to be present when neccessary.
Yes a relationship is give and take, but goodness there shouldn't be a score card because both parties WANT to give in whatever capacity they're able to.
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This makes logical sense when I read it, but it all still seems surreal to me. I'm trying to imagine me typing those paragraphs about a hypothetical partner, but I might as well be describing my vacation on the moon. It's just all from some other imaginary world.