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Old Jan 17, 2014, 10:43 AM
tufan tufan is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 60
I don't know what to do anymore. I do not like saying things like: "Oh, someone else's behavior causes me to act this way." But it is simply the case. I cannot deal with his behavior. And it's causing aberrations in my own behavior. This was never me.

-He goes to work and comes home. He never helps. But the magic cleaning fairy (me) has the house nice most days. The magic laundry fairy has his work clothes washed and hung up neatly, too. Did I mention the magic chef? No appreciation.

-He rarely helps with the kids. We have two school aged kids and they can get out of hand. I'm practically a single parent...of three no less.

-He's not a cruel or unpleasant man. But he rarely follows through with his words, and he lacks drive. He tells tall tales to glorify himself and I hate that. In his mind, he's the Big Man. Pandering to his ego is exhausting. He is incompetent, why should I? I wish he would just be a real hero and do his own work, for starters.

-On top of all of my other work, I also have to help him with his school work. 'Help' is more like doing most of it, and mentoring/tutoring him. Lately, it has been psychology and art. I feel like he is able if he applies himself. Then, he plagiarizes the assignments that he *does* attempt, just so he can come back and say to me, "The professor said there were people (him) in the class plagiarizing...blah blah blah" and that my friends, is his cue to me that mommy has to help him. Or he will fail. The pitiful look that he gives with the declaration of "I can't" speaks more than words can.

So I have no help, yet I do everything except collect a check, but let me assure you that I do work. More than he does. Do I deserve this because I don't have a paying job right now? Lately, I have been wishing that I was not here anymore. I see no hope now. I have not worked in a few years. Who will hire me? I'm intelligent and I can figure most anything out by reading the examples or instructions. I want to leave him soo bad, and I would if I had a job. I think I am going to apply to a bunch of different places and hope that one picks me. Then, I am saving up while I dwell here and endure, and when my time is right, I'm gone. It seems like a good plan, but I don't know how I will survive with this pitiful man that I do not respect in the meantime.

Another thing. I used to have these illogical fantasies about men, then those evolved into apathetic feelings towards men. I dislike seeing attractive men on TV, in public, etc. Maybe it's self pity, but I feel like I don't want anything else to do with another man relationship-wise if I manage to get out of this mess. Also, I don't even want to think about them in fantasies anymore. My fantasies are now grim and dark. I am uninterested in sex, mainly because I am not attracted to my husband. He really has no drive anyway due to all of the meds that he takes for his conditions. I used to love my 'toys', but the thrill is even gone there. I feel asexual...like he even took that joy from me. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I am too far gone.
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