I was rejected by my mother when I was a litle baby. She neglected me emotionally, but I had a many when I was very litle that loved me like a mother. At the age of 3/4 I moved and I had to left her. I remember that after that I did everything to not lose my biological mother, I demand her to sleep with me every night...and as she didn't wanted and though that was best for me to sleep alone I start sleeping with a huge teddy bear and her picture under my pillow which I kissed every night I did this maybe until 5. I remember once my sister told me she would not love me more after I turned five what makes me very sad. After that I try to search for the lost attention with my dead. He did loved me but betrayed my trust, sometikes he transform himself into another person. He burst out with anger and he spank me dispite my my no screaming, full with fear. First he use to slap me in the face, but he didn't want other people to see the bruises and thought they were bad parents. So he start to beat me in my *** and legs, he get me naked and discharged all his anger in me for no reason or litle reason. By this time there was also a uncle that treat me good and I like him, but my father was always calling him stupid and childish, with. Is angry voice that he used to criticized everything. I wanted my father to love me and not been again left alone. So I choose the words I lied me in order to please him. In my early childhood I get depressed and all my symptoms where mocking object, specially to my mother. I was the more imperfect child. They were always accusing me of things that I didn't do it. Because I started to bite people when every time they hurt my feelings. My grandmother, some uncles and some cousins still talk how min I was as if I was really that way. And I spent my life feeling so bad about me. During my childhood my mother never liked me. She disliked my personality which she had created. I start avoiding any intimate contact with anyone. Now I don't know who I really am. I been all my life doing so much effort in order to them do not reject me. And I forgot about my past until recently. I go over it over and over to make sure it is true. It always was for me like I never had a past. I focus on study, I focus on being the best in everything just because what other people expected from me and the few I gathered during my childhood I lost them all. I never wanted nothing in my life and in order to survive in the middle of such violence and fear, fear of other people dislike me and fear of being rejected I start dissociating when emotions became unbearable. I start a full daydream, not a single contact with reality...eventually I didn't felt anymore and couldn't make an aproach to anyone, my thoughts were stucked, I couldn't get sad, I had these. Strange thoughts of self praise and dreams of love...and I didn't knew I. I start blaming me for that, thinking I wasn't a good person and trying to change who I was. But as the years went by I lose the comfort of the friends i had and I went into a knew world just to discover I only could be alone. During these years my depression and my depersonalization gone so bad that I can't think in absolutly nothing I barely can feel. I can think on reality, everyone become a stranger I am always doubting every single thought and I can't believe this is the story of my life. I forget every litle thing in a way that I would only think about it if someone menction it again. And every fact look like has been happening in another reality. I'm literaly no one. I told my sister my story but even so I don't feel like sharing nothing with no one. There is absolutly nothing real in this world. I just want to stay in bad forever as nothing around was real. I can't face the world anymore. Always feeling rejected, always staying alone always shivering and making up something stupid to say when my head isn't even there. Hide from the world is the only chance I get good by now. I want to stop college for sometime. Just until I be able to take care of my self.
I feel litle and I feel I will never be good enough to diserve any kind of love. Know I try to not blame me, but it is all so confusing and unreal. I think even with therapy I will never be. a normal person.