I'm back home!
A miracle happenned today: my T was almost on time! I couldn't believe it and realized how it makes for a more relaxed session, when I know there's no one in the waiting room.
We barely discussed last week's session, only when I told her that I've been wanting to harm myself all week she asked if it may have been because of our last session. All I could say was: could be. I know I should have discussed it more, but couldn't.

Anyway we then went over my homework and spent the rest of the session discussing my CV, motivation letters and job offers. I thought I would hate it, but it was actually helpful. First of all, when my read my CV she paused at one point and said: it took you 6 years to get your 3-year degree? was that because you were struggling that much with being ill?
when I told her that was right, she said she hadn't realized it took me that long, she believed it was more like 4 years. And she didn't think I had struggled that much.

Then we talked about a current job offer as a receptionnist, and I would have to dress up for the interview, and to go to work if I get the job. I told her that even though I totally agreed, I have nothing appropriate in my wardrobe. All she said was: if you get an interview call me, we'll work something out. Then she got quiet, and after a couple seconds said: I'm sure my daughter would be happy to go shopping with you!
I was like I muttered a we'll see, but couldn't help thinking about the boundary issues. Like really... go shopping with T's daughter... I doubt that's appropriate and won't do it.

We talked some more about some jobs I'd like to do, and she starts asking me all these questions: do you like working on computers? Can you answer calls and call clients? And so on... I said yes, and she went: what would you think about working in medical office? I said why not... then she dropped the bomb: Her husband's team will hire a secretary soon and she want's me to apply.

So as if shopping with her daughter wasn't bad enough... now she suggests I work for her husband! And while the job would probably be great, I can see so many issues coming up. How am I supposed to tell her anything negative about work? I mean her loyalty will always tend to bee towards her husband. And it would be so akward if her husband told me private stuff about my T. I just can't imagine it... I've told her I woudl apply to keep her happy. But I doubt it's a good idea...

Also at the end of the session she blurted out: Gosh, you're my favorite client!
That made me feel great at that point, but right now I wonderif there's not a lot of counter transference going on...

Well at least there's one major positive: she saw how much I was struggling going through my work applications. And I think she realized I'm not making anything up, that it's really that difficult for me.
I just realized it's so difficult, because selling myself while I feel so worthless is so painful. ..