I am also having a very difficult time coming to terms with my hospitalizations. What makes it really hard is not having a diagnosis. In the past I was told I had BPD, a condition that is not seen as an illness but as a flawed personality. Staff view these patients as manipulative, demanding, needy and not deserving of treatment. I was always blamed for my problems. After that nobody was really interested in helping me. All my complaints/symptoms were interpreted as BPD behaviors and interpersonal, not biological. They made so many inaccurate assumptions and diagnosed me with problems that I never ever had so I could fit neatly in the BPD diagnosis.

Eventually I had to flee. My hospitalizations taught me that there are valid illnesses and bad personalities. I admit that I feel envious of people who have a diagnosis, especially one that isn't a personality disorder. I'd rather by floridly psychotic than have a personality disorder. At least you will be taken more seriously and not blamed for it.

Apparently I am depressed. My psychiatrist diagnosed it right before Christmas. She asked me to take the medication. I said I would but never did. It seems so pointless to me considering my history is personality disorder, which means I will never be heard and appreciated. I am ready to quit seeing my psychiatrist because I see no point. My family and friends say I am depressed and in need of treatment. People at the university have noticed. Yesterday one told me how much I have changed in a matter of weeks. Strangers see it too. A few commented on my sad and tired look. I want to comply for my mother but at the same time I don't want to because of that terrible diagnosis that I cannot seem to shake off my soul.

Thanks for sharing the article. It described some of my experiences.