Seriously. I put too much effort and passion and love and get nothing in return. I don't know if I am supposed to be proud or angry, I only got indifference and angry stupid people who take advantage of me. I am only twenty my symptoms hit me like a train, I don't know I am dying or not, but by my degenerative state and I am only 20 years to assure you. I hope it kills me tonight, because I put too much for anything, I was abused by many people all my life. I am going to die miserable and even when I will fake a smile and pretend to be happy to the end. All I wanted was to feel safe and that no one will hurt me, I stick up for myself and tell everyone off who tries to hurt me, I used to be healthy enough to save my own skin, but was too stupid to realize how screwed I am when I am this weak. To be honest, I don't know what I have wrong with my body and I am being told that it's really bad, I know that from the get go. It doesn't take a scientist to realize it causes a coma wake up and unable to walk, talk, or swallow many days, freezing in motion, drooling, vegetable that tried working at a job and basically hurting myself on the job and unaware, because I am not there physically. Seriously I try so hard to tell people and how I care bout them and literally show it as much as possible I can't make anyone happy. I've been more bitter that my quality of my life has burned for everyone else's to be better, I don't know to be proud to sacrifice or just to be angry, because those people I helped ended up screwing me over. I am a dead man I know that, but I want to know how much time I got left so I can just have something even five minutes of happiness before dying. S... cracking a smile would help before lights out. This is ridiculous, I am expected to wait and I'm done. I am done, and I hope this takes me tonight so people would wake up and realize how motherf...... cruel they are to me quit being such indifferent dicks. I just can't sleep now, because I am in screaming pain, hallucinations, ridigity movements, tremors, and nerve tics. Seriously I want to die from this so people can shut up blaming everything on me, and take responsibility and help me for once, just say hello to me or at least make me comfortable as possible emotionally.