1. My husband is like this. Over the years I have come to realise he is probably a bit of a control freak. My husband likes and needs a routine. He gets our daughter up and off to school in the mornings (basically because I work late evening shifts and am usualy still asleep when they get up). On the odd occasion I’ve been down in the kitchen he can’t handle it and we usually end up shouting at each other.

2. Sounds like this is all taking place in the kitchen. I have heard it said many times that when someone is used to preparing all the meals, or say, there is dinner to cook for guests, the ‘cook’ does not like others coming into the kitchen to help out – because – ‘cook’ has it all in her head what to do and what needs doing. So when another comes along and offers help, sometimes can be more of a hindrance, and upsets the time-table for when food is ready to be served. It’s critical to be able to muti-task and do things in the right order in the kitchen so that food does not go cold. Eg frozen peas are cooked (2 mins), roast meat needs another 30 mins. Sorry, extreme example!

3. Do you have a skin condition that need creams? How long does your wife take over her skin care routine. You could point out that skin creams are very expensive and that you don’t need them – will save money. Should work!

4. Eating healthily is good, but you do need a burger every now and then. Has she got an eating disorder? Maybe she had bulimia or anorexia when she was younger. I was bulimic aged 17. And still have an eating disorder – I can’t eat a lot it makes me feel uncomfortable, physically, and mentally I hate myself afterwards, though I don’t make myself sick any more. It seems she could be scared of getting old. Also, regarding your wife - it’s that feeling of being out of control again

5. Anxiety that loading the washing machine will make you late for appointments/meetings. Getting mad with you because you had a coffee without telling her – especially if she likes to control what goes into your mouth.

6. Does sound completely unreasonable to me. She didn’t want to go, and didn’t want you to go either. I think a reasonable person would give a reasonable answer as to why they didn’t want their passport updated.
Your situation sounds similar to my marriage, though maybe more extreme. Basically, I know my husband had a very unsettled childhood and now has feeling of insecurity a lot of the time. I think this is why he likes routine and feels threatened when it gets interrupted.

Do you know anything about her upbringing or previous marriage? Do you know why her marriage ended in divorce. Do you think it could be for the same reasons that you are experiencing with her?

You are not crazy, but her behaviour is not normal. I’m not sure whether it’s abusive – it all depends how situations are handled. I think you have to try a different approach to the way you react, eg like my suggestion for 3?

I hope this makes sense and helps a bit. I apologise if some things said seem derogatory, it is not intended. I hope you are able to work something out with your counsellor. The major hurdle may be to get your wife to understand the way she is. I think she is very lucky to have you.