yeah it is he is the best in my area for neuro psychiatry and other unusual phenomena. He is baffled too, it's very scary, I grew up my whole life living in a fantasy and still do, it's like very hard to tell anyone anything, and they can't see what I see with the hallucinations or hear what I hear or feel what I feel. No one knows, I was born hallucinating my whole life, so when people try to explain me things how the world really is. I hate having those talks, because that whole perspective most people have what is moral, what is living, what is conscious is completely blown out the window by me. It got from that to now everyday. Five seconds literally feels like forever. I am going in slow motion in my head and the world around me is so much faster. All the time, I'd either very terrifying hallucinations not caused by drugs it definitely raises eye brows whenever I brought it up ever when I was a child and now when it sounds like LSD type of bad trips. The thing is I had a lot of different drugs in my life, and stopped all of them very shortly using them, because they harmed me more than good more than most people from illicit to psych. I stop them all for two years now. I am also grown up with very terrifying delusions, it's extremely difficult to talk to people, when you are interviewed for a job then the all of a sudden the room starts melting or hands are coming out of the chair you are sitting in and just massaging you. It's so uncomfortable and creepy, I am told by the only people who understand the most is my little sister, my older therapists, and specific friends really wonder how I didn't kill myself as a little child. I mean I was raped and molested many times by other adolescent boys, when I was 4 to 8 years old. I was beaten up for it, when accused for things I didn't understand or do. Been ridiculed as a homosexual as if it was an insult, been around the worst kind of people in my city. I dated all these childish sleazy hoes, who abused me emotionally, physically and recently sexually been raped by my ex girlfriend when I was not able to move. She was in a drunken rage crying and forcing me to get her vodka and punching me and trying to have sex with me, because she was drunk and I couldn't get away, because I was numb and couldn't move from my symptoms last november and 2 weeks before that I was in my coma bout to be in hypothermia. I just really like this girl, because I want to be her best friend, not a lover, or a soul mate. I want to date her as a best friend, but more or less. I want to be close with her, because I would do anything to curl up in a ball and sleep and she play with my hair. I'd make her laugh and just be stupid, because I had an intimacy issues, because my grandma was severely abused by staff at a local nursing home before she passed away it happened when I was being abused myself. I had this emotional connection with her when she was ok, before he alzhiemers kicked in she was my mom and I have to say my dad was very lucky to have her. She didn't put up with anything and she could kick anyone's a$# . She put her family first and wanted only best from her kids and inlaws. When I was born I only was around her before she was in a nursing home when I turned 6. She watched me all the time when I was a toddler. I was so happy she was in my life, but the fact I can't get over. She was really abused and it felt like we understood eachother the last time I saw her in june of 2006 when she passed. It put a hard wrench on me. I've seen alot of death in my life after, but nothing hurt me as bad as her passing. Soon after, I am grieving over something that was very hard, was that I was supposed to be a father when I was fooling around with my ex 2 years ago. She was pregnant to 5 months and found out it was a girl we named her and bout to have a huge changes in my life. It was hard, but I was more motivated, then I find out she had to be aborted for my ex's health she would definitely die giving birth at her age. So that was ok it didn't bother me too bad I understood it had to be done, but her indifference and how she told me like in the most hurtful way. Then a year later tries to hookup with me all the time and pretend that everything will go away if we hookup. She was psycho, and usually slept around a lot with other dudes and lied a lot. She blames me for everything that went wrong with her and can never take the truth. She is a pathological liar and blamed the child's death on me, now I am suffering physical ailments like she is, and she really wants to defile me and my grave if she had the chance. That's why I am feeling the way I am feeling that's basically a long slew of many other stories of long years of abuse that filled all my life from toddler days till now. It's just too much and I just wanted to be safe, I hate having to be told, you gotta be this or that to be good enough for anyone. I gotta be stable, I gotta be healthy physically, I gotta know certain people. It's so exhausting and I just want it to stop, I don't want nothing else from this girl I am friends with just to be friends, I maybe hopefully have something physical with her soon, but not so dependent on it, because of every girl I date that I get with always turn for the worst shortly after. I want to make sure everything is covered. I mean I trust her, and I already know she is very nice. I don't care if she messes up, just don't abuse me, especially now. I don't need a girl to make me happy, I just need to feel safe and secure for once in this very difficult time for me. I wanted to be rich and famous and live isolated in the island pacific. Just to go surfing, I wanted two dogs a german shepherd and a huskie both female. I am poly amorous I wanted not a polygamy nor a marriage and another female. I just wanted two girls, I am in love with that love eachother and me etc and we are a tight group. I can easily put in the work. If my body wasn't so weak now, I could be working at a job physically that I enjoy so I can become a DJ music producer which I already do that, but prefer to do it on a huge scale of hundreds of thousands or millions of people at one venue. That's what I dream bout everyday through my struggle I only wanted it, because I had more faith than ever to make it and still do. I just don't want my time to run out, when I got somethings I need to do. I want to make virtual reality rooms with cyperpunk culture of the future and it's in like a tron legacy feel. I have my imagination and show people what's really in my head. I truly know that my mind and world is way more magical than any other person I've met on this earth and really wish to show it in it's full glory, but it's very difficult to do that I could never do. No matter how hard and creative I tried countless times. I still keep doing it, till I give my last breath. that's all