I read your intro post. Which mentioned, divorce. So, I'll start there, with why and how, I feel a crush, could occur. Could it have been, positive attention, that you received, and a sense of someone having compassion, for you, whilst going through marital struggles, that led to a sense of attachment?

I am surprised, in this day and age, with all the knowledge of the addictive qualities of benzo's, that he allowed you, the patient, to determine how much of this type of medicine to take. That really sounds like a struggle. It's understandable, if there's any ounce of resentment, for that.

10 months, is a long time, to hold onto a crush, for someone you've not seen, in that long of a time.

What led, to the breakdown of your marriage? If you don't mind, sharing? Perhaps, reexamining that, will lead to a better comprehension, of why and how your feelings for this doctor, developed?