If you daughter is truly happy with her life as it is, she won't see any need to change (marriage taught me this!). About the only thing I think you have much control over is not accepting unacceptable behavior, such as her being confrontational ... and that might diminish if you and her mom ease up on trying to change her.

I realize she might not be where you and her mom might want her to be at this point in her life but it sounds like she has a lot of good qualities. My suggestion - let go of her and her issues. I don't see that there is much you can/should do at this point, except maybe you and your wife take a trip and get out of the fray for a short time.