Screw it. Everyday every morning every waking moment is the same blank minded stare. Only things that ever pass through my mind when i'm trying to do something positive are negative thoughts. I literally feel and act worse after achieving something that most people would feel good about. I have become intolerable to the people around me. Anti depressants are not working. And though I've only tried two, not even reaching the 3-4 week period on this one, I literally just want to check out.

I can't see **** getting better. Everyday its the same thing with me. "Theres something wrong with me theres something wrong with me" wah wah. Im pathetic and bring down the people around me with my **** attitude. I don't know WHAT is wrong with me. Some days I'm like yeah yeah this is totally dissociation. Im experiencing this distance from reality and feel like I don't know who I am when I look in the mirror (identity crisis). Another day i'm like pff what's wrong with me? Nothing. Just stop thinking somethings wrong with you. Its all in your head.

Its up and down up and down. Bipolar. Depressed. Anxiety. Worry. Doubt. Fear. Loss of love for any and everyone and thing. Confusion. Mania. What else. Negativity. Loss of hope. Absent mindedness.

These are the things I experience on a day to day basis. No love. No laughter (genuine laughter, I fake about everything). No peace. No content feeling you get being around someone you love and everything just feels a okay for the short moment.

I trip just watching television with my mom. I can't even sit down and eat any meals with my family because of how withdrawn and awkward I am. I don't even eat in front of people.

Life is just hell. If it weren't something serious or pathologic god should have done something by now. Instead, I stay completely alone, and talk to myself, pretending i'm praying to god and things will just magically feel better when I wake up in the morning.

The only good thing in my life right now is my little dog who's been a companion through all of this with me. It's the only connection I feel to ANYTHING. And that just makes me feel even weirder and crazier and like a schizophrenic that I can only connect to a dog.

Seriously thinking about checking out