We were talking about my past abuse, memories, past conversations, etc. It's been the first time actually speaking about this niggling sensation I have of something not quite right regarding inappropriate touching, or something.

I was recalling an instance of intense verbal aggression/ anger/violence towards me, aged about 4. I kept saying to my therapist "but it's not relevant, this particular thing - it doesn't matter now cause I'm over it and it doesn't get to me now, even though I remember how it made me feel then" and she pushed a bit and WHAM suddenly everything rushed into me and it was like I was back there, in that moment, and back then I froze up and shut him out but now, in the present I started laughing and knowing I was going to cry - so I bolted out of the room.

Our room is four flights up, in this grand old Georgian building, so I ran down numerous stairs and then sat on a step, still shaking and grinning like an absolute idiot, until I calmed down, and went back up to her.

She was great and I felt totally fine with coming back in to her and stuff, and we made an agreement that I'll sort of try to notice if I'm approaching what I can't tolerate in future, and that it would be okay to actually get upset or melt down there in her office (I know this, I just can't do it yet it seems, though I love her and trust her etc etc - I hate being so sloooow ) and referred to a scene from Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon's character cracks and Robin Williams is there for him or whatever, I've not seen the film myself.

I just wanted to write this down somewhere. It was weird and bizarre to lose that much control and I'm a bit unnerved but I guess I do believe, in my heart of hearts, that it'll eventually be okay.

Aaaaaand breathe