Okay, I don't even know where to start. I feel so alone. I have friends but they haven't made any attempt to try and get to me. I haven't gone to school this whole week. Last week I went for 3 hours on Wednesday and left. I feel like there's %#@&#!. I always feel like %#@&#!. Everyday I wake up and I feel like there's no reason to get up. My friends don't e-mail me, call me, nothing at all to try and reach out to me. What's the point of having friends if they don't care. I feel like no one but me understands just how serious my depression is. I know it's bad. Suicidal thoughts are always crossing my mind every second. I look for ways to hurt myself sometimes. I don't even feel like I'm alive sometimes. I can't even cry anymore...I want to cry so badly, but nothing comes out. My friends see that I don't eat a lot. And I don't. I don't care about eating. My guidance councelor found out and we started talking. This was in December or so of last year. I went to her a lot. During that time, my dad was in my life for the 5th time, just causing hell for us. He's an alcoholic. My mom kicked him out a couple of weeks ago after he tried to kill me and her. I have two younger sisters (14 and 7) and a 19 yr old brother. Back to my guidance counselor, I would go to her a lot because of the physical and emotional pain he was causing everyone in the family (this was before he left). She said that she was going to call ACS, and I begged her not to. I told her I would get rid of him that weekend and she said that by Monday if he wasn't out, she was going to call. So I lied and said that he was gone. I couldn't bear what would happen to my family if we would've had to split up to foster families. So I had no one to talk to. Plus, the fact that she told my mom who ended up telling my whole family that I don't eat and that I might be bulemic. I'm not, but sometimes I just want to be just to shut them up. It's like how everyone tells you something so much that you just start to believe it...that's how I feel. So, Finally over a month later my mom kicked him out. So, it's kind of a relief that he's gone, but I just hate that I don't have a father. I've never had a real father to be there for me, to do those special father to son things. I grew up moving a lot. over 15 times so far. We get evicted because of my dad and would move back to my grandma's house over and over. I never had true friends until high school. Now I'm supposed to be graduating to college this June and I'm nowhere near that. I screwed up in school too much. I just can't go back. I don't feel a need to go back, I don't feel a need to live. I feel like there's nothing to live for. People in school and in my family push away my depression like it's nothing. I tell my mom to make appointments cause I need medication, a therapist, something to get rid of it. I can't do this alone. I need my friends to help me. But now that they've stopped reaching out, I can't move on. My best friend tells me that I have to be independent and learn to be strong on my own, and I can't I need her help. I think I'm done ranting for now. I'm sorry for blurting out everything and you're probably lost, but I hope I can explain myself more to people who care.