Quote:
Originally Posted by adultnecropuma
Screw it. Everyday every morning every waking moment is the same blank minded stare. Only things that ever pass through my mind when i'm trying to do something positive are negative thoughts. I literally feel and act worse after achieving something that most people would feel good about. I have become intolerable to the people around me. Anti depressants are not working. And though I've only tried two, not even reaching the 3-4 week period on this one, I literally just want to check out.
I can't see **** getting better. Everyday its the same thing with me. "Theres something wrong with me theres something wrong with me" wah wah. Im pathetic and bring down the people around me with my **** attitude. I don't know WHAT is wrong with me. Some days I'm like yeah yeah this is totally dissociation. Im experiencing this distance from reality and feel like I don't know who I am when I look in the mirror (identity crisis). Another day i'm like pff what's wrong with me? Nothing. Just stop thinking somethings wrong with you. Its all in your head.
Its up and down up and down. Bipolar. Depressed. Anxiety. Worry. Doubt. Fear. Loss of love for any and everyone and thing. Confusion. Mania. What else. Negativity. Loss of hope. Absent mindedness.
These are the things I experience on a day to day basis. No love. No laughter (genuine laughter, I fake about everything). No peace. No content feeling you get being around someone you love and everything just feels a okay for the short moment.
I trip just watching television with my mom. I can't even sit down and eat any meals with my family because of how withdrawn and awkward I am. I don't even eat in front of people.
Life is just hell. If it weren't something serious or pathologic god should have done something by now. Instead, I stay completely alone, and talk to myself, pretending i'm praying to god and things will just magically feel better when I wake up in the morning.
The only good thing in my life right now is my little dog who's been a companion through all of this with me. It's the only connection I feel to ANYTHING. And that just makes me feel even weirder and crazier and like a schizophrenic that I can only connect to a dog.
Seriously thinking about checking out
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I'm so sorry to read of your despair, adultnecropuma. Climbing up out of such a deep crevice can be a monumental task. And the reality is that only you can decide whether or not it is worth the struggle.
You mention antidepressants. I've been on quite a few. The only one that was of any benefit at all was Cymbalta which is what I'm on now. It's not a miracle cure, but it helps. It can take a while to find the right one. We all have heard that SSRI's can cause serious problems in children. But I have had some experiences which have convinced me that the same can be true for adults. Under any circumstances, it takes time for them to work.
I hope that the antidepressants you've tried have been prescribed by a psychiatrist, not a family doctor. Also, you don't mention anything about seeing a therapist. If you're not, it's important that you do. My experience tells me that SSRI's alone can't be a cure. You need to talk this through with someone you can trust. Here again, you may have to try a few therapists before you find someone you can relate to. And, if you're really in danger, perhaps you might consider being in the hospital for a while; at least until you're safe. I've been there. It's okay.
Does this all sound like something akin to climbing Mt. Everest with the flu? It is. But you can do it. Somewhere within your memory is a light... a memory of what it was like before all of this came down on you. Search out this light and climb toward it. Don't worry about how far away it may seem or how hard the climb may be. Just take one step & then another. Continue to find support here on PC as you go. There's lots of it here.
I hope you can find the strength within you to take that first step. Tell someone in your life whom you trust what's happening and ask them for help. Let them be your Sherpa. No one climbs Mt. Everest without one...
