Thank you all for showing me I am not entirely alone.

I am divorced. I have been living on my own for 4.5 yrs. I have part-time custody of my 2 kids. Technically my ex has them more, and they live with him during the week, me 3 weekends a month. It is so very hard parting with my dear children every Sunday evening - I feel like they are being wrenched from me. A part of me feels like it is just WRONG, that children should be with their mother. The other part of me knows that I am sick and ill-equipped to deal with being a parent full-time, that I actually do need the down-time to work on myself. It doesn't make the good-bye's any easier though. Raises the whole abandonment issue, as well as the emptiness and loneliness I feel, which normies don't get, that those of us with BPD feel so deeply. I have stopped telling others about how much I miss my kids because I got tired of hearing, "Oh, well you'll see them again in a few days. Just remind yourself of all the fun you had." Blah, blah, blah. If it were that easy, I wouldn't feel this way! I just feel like the world's crappiest mother because I am mentally ill, and an addict, and unable to even work at this time. My house and my life are falling apart around me. I can't even have a successful relationship. I am lucky if I have a relationship that lasts more than a week, at this point! Everyone just triggers me. I don't know how I got this sick, and I don't know how to get better. The mental health profession in my area also lacks big-time. Feeling so stuck!!!!!!