Please don't call me dumb or ungrateful at life or stupid and retarded. I've enough of that thanks ^^
-------------------
Ok so I've been put down by my family to not pursue psychology major in college. I have depression (I'm pretty sure of it) and hypochondria. I started taking interest in psychology because, believe it or not, i liked it plus it makes me feel smart (big words tend to do that to me.) I'm asian (chinese) and I've been put down a LOT by my parents (You're stupid, failure, should've let you died at birth (I was premature), wish you die soon, you can't get a decent grade, why does it take you 10X the effort (studying wise) to achieve an 80-90-100% grade when it takes most people maybe half that much effort to get an A+, you need to go to a mental asylum for how slow and retarded you are, your fat etc. etc.) now I've watched asian sterotype videos on asian moms who say that to their kids but for some reason I'm like...super sensative or something. So I created an imaginary friend, named Alice Alichea, an imaginary world, country, rives,a nd mountains included, schools, students, teachers, etc, to cope with how lonely I am. Of course, i just have a active imagination and I can't really see or hear my only friends, but its also not creative enough that I can draw or write good stories either. Like I'm also as plain and dull of a girl you can get.
I have hypochondria (I call it hypo despite how many types of hypos (hypotension etc.) are out there (I'm lazy) and I'm pretty damn sure that despite my whole life of being addicted to pessimism, I seem to have developed depression along the way, that I've realized I have just this year. It was like I knew I was close to having it or had it but completely ignored my pre-depression symptoms. I finally told my parents how I felt (sad, suicidal (no intentions I have a severe fear of death) etc etc which is why I’m so aggressive and short tempered and never smiling at my customers (family restaurant I’m a cashier) and they told me I was ungrateful, trash, told me to get out, that depression didn’t exist, etc. I’ve always known that I’ve depression or something wrong with me, but I went by everyday okay because back then, well, I was confident my parents were behind me to support me. Nope. I was dead wrong, apparently, if I go to counseling in anyway I’m not to call my mum “mom” anymore. She’s pressure from cultural stigma against mental illnesses, so much that she refuses to let us talk to our cousin because he’s got depression. My whole family laughs at him that he’s being emotional and a baby so…what would they say to me! Ha! Life’s a joke!
I’ve a huge interest in psychology. But I don’t know if I accidently “hyponotised” myself to like it. According to my results (theories) I either have a interest in psychology because 1) I actually have a interest in the subject 2) I’m obsessed with self help and on the way of reading about depression, I wandered off topic (I do that with medical books too and many other science books and articles) and become intrigued with repressive memories, alzemheimer’s, etc. or 3) I’m so into reading about the topics while retaining my #2 goal (desperate to seek self help cause I can’t go to a doctor without losing my family’s light in me) that I’ve convinced myself subconsciously that I enjoy the topic. I do number 3 too with medical science. Intrigued with every medical book out there but make me look at a wound or illness, nope…I’m out.
Now you see? I have to go to college in…7-8 months? I’m grad. High school soon (on time don’t worry ^^) and I’ve chosen accounting under pressure of my mom and society as accounting is a normal job, not as depressing, good pay, can find work, etc etc. but I want to know, am I really interested in psycology? I know I can’t take it because I’ll end up crying in class or something (I cry just from reading the symptoms of depression cause they relate to me) and I’m technically not mentally healthy to even think about liking it just yet, but I really don’t want to do what my mom wants me to do.
I don’t even know…I’m blabbling sorry.