So I haven't been to a pdoc or anything because my family would either a) throw me out b) refuse to acknowledge me as their kid (they've already told me this, I'm not just guessing out of fear or pessimism or anything)
I've gone to the point of thinking about suicide every week or so or week and a half to bi weekly) but no intent because of my severe fear of death and I actually want to live, just want the pain to leave. I'm also neutral to happy every day but for some reason I tend to get depressive episodes throughout the day once or maybe sometimes more than once a day. I would suddenly lose my smile, get grumpy, everything seems to go wrong, I feel upset, hopeless, wanna cry, I feel like I and so isolated from the world that there is a glass between me and everyone and everything else, to the point that sometimes it feels like the glass is really there and noise gets slightly muffled. These episodes last 1-5 or maybe a little more hours and sometime a day, but then the next day or day after the next day I feel fine, but in the middle of that fine day, I'd get aggitated again, overwhelmed and depressed. Its like a cycle. Lately, depressed or not, I've been getting memory lost, but only ones that involve things like "That man was rude to me" "I failed my test" I would forget them and I would literally go through the day happy as a flower but have this nagging sensation that "sometime's wrong" so I retrace my memory lane and have to dig through my head to remember "Oh...that uneasy thing was that...I failed my test...sh**..." then I would get sad again.

Now here's the thing. I promised myself at the end of last year that I would attempt self help since my family will ignore or laugh (they laugh at my depressed cousin cause he's "faking it") at the depressed. I wrote on the first page of my venting journal that at the start of the year IN BOLD that I would change. Yeah, got me no where. I'm addicted to pessimism and I get those depressive episodes even on my happiest days. I have no friends save for people here but I need to talk face to face, no a journal, not internet support groups...I don't know what I'm doing wrong...I haven't truly smiled since disney land back when I was like 7...I feel like I've forgot how to smile