To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

> > Dear Dogs and Cats,

> > The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
>other
> > dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print
>in
> > the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming
> > your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

> > The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
>Beating me
> > to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
>fall
> > faster than you can run.

> > I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
>about
> > this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
>your
> > comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep.
>It
> > is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to
>the
> > fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
out
>and
> > having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing
>but
> > sarcasm.
> >
> > For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by
> > some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is
>not
> > necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your
paw
>under
> > the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same
>door
> > I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine
or
> > feline attendance is not required.
> >
> > The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
>butt. I
> > cannot stress this enough!
> >
> > To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
>our
> > front door:
> >
> > To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
> >
> > 1. They live here. You don't.
> > 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
>furniture.
> > (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
> > 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
> > 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
>who is
> > short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
> >
> > Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because
>they:
> > 1. Eat less
> > 2. Don't ask for money all the time
> > 3 Are easier to train
> > 4. Normally come when called
> > 5. Never ask to drive the car
> > 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
> > 7. Don't smoke or drink
> > 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
> > 9. Don't want to wear your clothes
> > 10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
> >
> > And finally,
> >
> > 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!