I just spent quite a while explaining myself to submit the reply and lose it all due to the automatic logging out from inactivity.

So here I go again.

I spent time in a hospital. I sat in a room filled with doctors and my family, who were in disbelief. I sat there and listened to the head doctor tell my family everything I had told him. Which was everything I was telling my family. It's almost as if I had the scheme all along of landing myself exactly where I was at.

Even in a state hospital; I felt indifferent, apart from, and more misunderstood than anyone in there.

Which didn't make any sense because I looked like nothing was wrong with me. I was the youngest person in there. I can say, I was the healthiest person in there and the most physically fit. But I was saying to these doctors, "there's something wrong with me. there's something wrong with me.".

I was the only person who stayed in there room all day. I had to be reminded, told twice, that it was lunch time or dinner time. I hesitated each time I decided to go anywhere other than my room. Anywhere I would encounter another human being. I hesitated going to the meetings in there. I managed to go and sit through one. Actually two. The first, I didn't say a word. I'm sure everyone was thinking, "what is this kid doin in here?".

As I said I waited for the days to go by. I waited for someone, anyone, to come to me, and ask me what was wrong. There was this chick that yelled out when it was time to take our medication. She'd yell out, "meds! med time! mmedd tiimee!". She'd yell it out almost in a condescending tone. You could hear in her voice that she felt above and superior to everyone.

I'd walk out into that cold hallway like a zombie. I'd take the very back of the line thinking I wouldn't have to exist. I felt like a committed sedated experiment.

I managed to get out as quick as I got in. Not a thing had changed. The same things started to happen as soon as I got home. I'd lock myself in my room. I'd scurry any chance no one was around and grab any and all food I could thinking, "I need to grab everything I can so I don't have to come out tonight.". I'd stuff my face while mindlessly watching internet videos for hours. As I said in the original post, absent-mindedness. I'd do that an entire day if no one bothered me. I wasted over a year of my life that I have no memory of and no recollection of because of the way I was living. It's all just a blur.

My father would get up in the mornings for work and i'd cringe at the sound of him walking by my room. I'd sometimes put headphones in or listen to anything so I didn't have to hear it. I thought If I wasn't listening to him i'd have a better chance of him not bothering me before he left. Thus giving me another day to eat myself into a coma and veg out in my room. Where i'd remain until my father came home and would explode in anger. Then i'd say to myself, "time to suck todays ****". And go and scrub something or do whatever it was he'd have me do. I felt like an imbecile. I felt like a slave. I talked to NO ONE. It wouldn't take long before i'd drop what I was doing and bail out back into my room where it would all start over again.

I know this long and it feels weird trying to write it again as well as I did the first time, but I need to explain this.

Today I limit myself to what I eat. Eating at "normal" hours. I'll have a cup of orange in the morning. A can of tuna for lunch. Trying to reenact a normal lifestyle.

I'm so pissed off right now because I had to rewrite this. I felt my first time writing it got the message across so much better. Now I just feel like I don't know what i'm doing.

Anyways, I could fall right back into that exact same destructive lifestyle if I were to just eat more than I had planned or simulate any of that behavior. I'm so pissed off right now. **** life man seriously. I can't wait to die