Quote:
Originally Posted by Autumn Skies
Yes, I felt carefree and playful with my former T quite often. Thinking back, it reminds me of my daughter who used to run into the room to find me when she was little, jumping up in down, wanting to share her excitement with me eg- "mommy, come look at what the puppy's doing!!" When I was talking classes while in therapy, I had strong urges to ask T to help me with my homework, show him my papers when I got good grades, and other parent-child things like that. There were other times when I was dissociated as the person I was in a younger time...Never knew what triggered it.
I think feeling that joy with someone can make it scarier because then we have more to lose. If you don't fully connect with someone, and close off your heart to others, there's really not much to lose.
At least for me, I never had a parent share joy with me, so I didn't know what I had missed while growing up. When I felt like this with T, it felt so good to be in the relationship and to have that joy and connection from a stronger other, but deep down inside, I was terrified of facing the loss of having it taken away and being left feeling empty. I never, ever want to feel like that again-the despair of not being a loved and crying alone in my bed every night as a child.
Have you given this more thought since you last posted?
|
Yeah - I think you're right. I was feeling connected in a fun way and maybe subconsciously it was just too much so I brought up leaving
I do think it was odd that I came into the session the way that I did. I came in with no conscious fear and normally I'm pretty anxious. I was running late though and I walked into his office because if I'm past time he will leave the door open (this has only happened a few times) and I will peek my head in to see if he is there. Well I did that and walked right in and just said am I late? And he was like you're right on time. All this to say, the session started differently. Maybe that was part of it being such a dramatic shift, idk.
Interesting about the idea of having that joy and connection from a "stronger other"...I was definitely feeling that one. It's so very painful. I didn't have that growing up. It hurts so much more than I would've ever anticipated. Things are so complicated in my life right now. I can't face losing him and having to do this all alone again.