Syra, it is hard!

I am of the belief that we experience transference in most, if not all, of our relationships. They just have a fancy name for it in therapy. Part of our relationship to anyone is based on our past relationships, e.g. transference. Our attachment styles, our reactions, even our thoughts and opinions, are all based on the past. Part of the goal of therapy is to become aware of that influence and seek to understand and eliminate it if it is harmful.

It's not a bit deal if you had good patterns to base everything off of (like loving parents) because that transference is beneficial to your relationships. But it only becomes a problem and causes the pain you see above when that's not the case, and we have negative past experiences that are causing negative dynamics in a relationship.

...at least, that's how I understand it.