I am sorry to not be in a positive place right now, but it is where I am and I want to get this out.....and also see if anyone can relate. This rollercoaster just does not seem to stop, and though on the face of it I have soo much to look forward to and am embarking on a new and exciting path of my journey(university)......I just can not seem to lift my mood.

Today I have tried countless self care & mindful activities, eventhough I found myself sitting in the hallway tears streaming down my face, thinking that my gorgeous weeman just doesn't need such a crap mum, he has a stepmum who is much better than I am, and other similar thoughts. Despite this I managed to haul my *** off the floor and drive to a beach in an attempt to walk myself back to balanced I walked up and down, searching for sea glass and really engaging mindfully in the process...........and still I feel no better.

I got home and mowed the lawns as I know vigorous activity can help lift your mood......nothing.

I am challeging my thoughts, (of not being around anymore, being worthless, bad etc), challenging my negative self talk, distracting, trying to use everthing I know how to do.

I have tried practising acceptance of where I am at and choosing to direct my thoughts elsewhere, in a mindful and non judgemental way. Countless times.....

I still keep coming back to the same feeling, and overwhelming sense of pointlessness. I don't want to give up, but I feel like its the only option. Logically I know this is not true......but I FEEL differently.

When does this get better, when does all of this hard work and perserverance and pain pay off?

I am sitting here and actually am unable to stop the tears flowing.....yeah thats right.....now I am complaining that I can't stop crying, I know the thread says something else. I just feel so........I don't think sad quite covers it. It scares me when I begin to think my boy doesnt need me anymore, I know this is not a good place to be.

I am feeling pretty bad right now.......... how long before I can become more.....relaxed, comfortable, balanced. I don't even think those are the words to describe where I want to be Gah! I can not think properly either!

Content...maybe that is the word?