I just went out with friends, I hate meeting new people, I am so subtle even people who know when something is wrong with will never know. I feel like I unintentionally make them feel guilty or sad, because of me. I hate getting close to anyone. I am scared to trust and be abused again and again and again. I was in everywhere and anyway. I just have extreme trust issues, and now with everyone who has problems they see me even doctors and therapists they feel so sorry they can't help me. I really don't know what to do, I just want to have at least 5 seconds of happiness and peace, but when I do it's always a false peace short lived. Then reality hits me that I haven't left this place, I always thought I should work on myself, but it ended up nothing changes even when I made myself more mature and better. I am at a point, I don't trust any female no matter what comes out of her mouth of her actions, I know trust is huge, but seriously everytime I get guilty of feeling like that. I just want one girl I really love to pierce through everything never had it happen. It's a struggle constantly to date me, I've known that, I enjoy what good times I have, but the reality I just ruined someone emotionally unintentionally because they aren't strong enough makes me so miserable and hopeless I just want everything to take me away. I am told all this useless advice that I already use and just in return I always get an I don't know. I never had any kind of devotion towards me. I just feel like dying alone is more of a reality now and miserable because of my physical symptoms. I am always told I am supposed to trust a person I love truly, I do that, but my pain and anxiety I hold it back so much it's very difficult. I keep telling her that I will fight and fight and fight myself and everyone just to be with you, but no I almost promised I will be cheated on and left to rot or be abused, because they think I can't do my best to trust them. It hurts me so bad with the guilt, I feel like I am undateable, no good looks, charm, sincerity will do nothing. They tell me I am nothing because they are messed up and can't be around me to begin with, I just stopped dating for two years and still am for planning till I die. I hate it, what am I supposed to do I do everything and I always feel not good enough, but I know I got to take care of myself I doing the best I can. I don't remember my first name, my parents friend, or anything most days anymore. I hate it, I need a caretaker not because I want it. I need it anything will do. I do everytime I cry everytime someone is sincere and really likes me. I just cry so hard and scream and hurt myself, I am damn scared they will try to kill me or hurt me badly. It's happened so much, I am usually choose isolation and confinement and make up my own girlfriends because I got nothing else.