Thank you all

Ha, Karrebear - if she had gone after me that would have not ended at all well! It's a lovely fantasy for me to think if she had followed me that I could just melt down right in front of her (on the stairway ) and that somehow it would all be okay - but in reality if she had come anywhere near me for those few minutes, I'd have kept running. Out of the building and as far away as necessary to guarantee my privacy. I know I'm probably a bit odd but as it stands I CANNOT let her see me weeping and warped with pain. I think we're taking delicate steps towards it, but right now NO BLOODY WAY! When I came back, she asked how I felt about it, that she'd reckoned on giving it a few more minutes and then hunting for me, if I wanted her to come after me if I did it again - I said no, thank you. I'll always come back if I feel I have enough space to pull away when I really need to

Peppermint, as for knowing when is it safe - I think you just know instinctively when you trust your relationship. But for me actually knowing it's safe doesn't make a blind bit of difference I know it's a safe place, I even feel it's safe, I'm with a safe person - but I don't trust myself. What will emerge out of me. I just feel pure white hot shame. I feel like my therapist does care, but I feel ashamed for being so unlovable that I'm in this mess in the first place. Those feelings came up, on top of the distress of what I was talking about, and I needed to get them the **** out of my face and I bolted