I went and visited with my step mother on Thursday. Since being in therapy I'd managed to build a relationship with her again. In the begining I couldnt be in the same room with her for longer then 20mins. With time things have got a lot better. I put my boundairies in place and she hadn't emotionally abused me.

Well this last visit was awful. As soon as I arrived I could sense she was "off", an ability I've had to have since my memory started, having to work out how she is so I would know how much distance I would need to remain safe. She is a facist of the first degree. I can't even begin to go into detail with the crap that came out of mind and mouth. It was awful. My insiders were all over the place running for safety.

I got pulled in at least once and then said "stop! I am not getting pulled into any of this" I'd never been able to say something like that before and mum looked confused, almost ashamed. Thats where my confusion got worse. This woman that raised me, that was so cold and lacking ability to be real and genuine and caring, was looking like a very vunrable person. I was caught between wanting to make her feel ok, and anger for her unwilliness to take a look at herself, to change.

It felt like for the first time *I* the observer, got to feel everything my insiders had had to feel all their lifes. I understood why I had gone into hiding. I felt on the edge of a wave about to feel the overwhelming feelings of being smoothered by her maddness. My constant battle to remain me the best way I could. I was never asked a question,never asked what I liked. What my day was like, I never got to know me. It was always "you" statements, "Its your thought" or "you make me feel this way" or "you dont love me your a taker" all this from as early as I can remember.

Being there Thursday and seeing all this was heavy. I know its going to be good in the long run for validation reasons. What also hit home was all of a sudden I saw what was her and what was me. Sometimes when I'm indoors and going into a fit at home I saw that I was acting out my step mothers wounds. SInce thursday its like I have been reborn, before Isay something I am knowing whether its what I am truely thinking or whether its my internalised step mother coming through me again.

I realised how much therapy has silently been working. Enabling to get to know me. All the silences, all the sitting with the pain, or the compassionate looks from T, have all added up. Bit by bit I have been being rebuilt from the inside and not always being aware of it.

I still feel like I'm holding back a bit and can't quite fully feel the grief of what I didn't get growing up. I feel I'm holding onto a bit of the past and a bit of the future still not quite able to let go and fully feel the pain, but I also am getting more a sense of "Its already happened" I get a feeling off relief that I am not back there, that I have grown and have my own family now. For too long I've been living like I had to defend myself still because I was back there.

What happens to the human soul when it isn't shown compassion!!