1st off a little iffy that I’m even posting this, but you lured me on an interesting point and the compulsive side of me couldn’t resist but respond. Using Word to write this so I don’t know as yet if I’ll copy paste it over.

What help can I really give? I’m not well, I’m completely open to that side of me and I know it could be construed as a selfish statement… but even in times past where I’ve said the right things and know that it’s compassionate to put it in a different light… I don’t truly believe what I’m saying. I cannot apply it to my own path at this stage.

Half the time all I want to do is cry and scream and my default to that is to withdraw inside. I’ve been telling people here and in real life that I’m getting better because I see that as being what they want to hear… and in some respects it’s helped me as it’s easy to act as if things are fine until such time as I’m alone. A good distraction perhaps?

I am on auto pilot and confused… and I query if my posting here has been festering what I feel rather than allowing the distraction to take focus point.

Hmmm

Maybe I am lashing out at one of my few releases (to post)… I just don’t know.

Sorry for going back on the OP and putting this here and I appreciate those that have replied… even pm’d a couple of you. You mean a lot to me in this short time that I’ve been here.

I guess I just need some serious reflective time to get my crap together before I can do what is something that means a lot to me – to help others.

But I don’t want to be doing that while I’m lying to myself and others.

+ in addition to that as I've said... It is a lousy lonely thing right now and being 'all or nothing', perhaps it better to know in certainty that I am alone rather than keep reaching out but re-enforcing in my head that it's for noubt.

Sorry for being confusing and needy and all that ****...

meh