I know this is long but if you can please read it all. I have tried countless things to try an resolve these issues and I don't know what to do anymore. I've talked to about 6 different counselors and I don't want to take medications. I took them for ADHD growing up and don't trust any pharmaceuticals anymore as they gave me many of the problems I am searching for answers for anyways. I've got a bunch of different issues and have tried everything I can think of but everything remains the same. No one seems to get that. I have so many things to be fortunate about. I'm young and a fairly recent college grad. I've got a degree I could get a job with and a high gpa from college. I've got no college loan dept and great friends and family. I also have some hobbies I am pretty good at and am a musician. But I struggle with mental health so much. Here's what I'm dealing with. It's a couple different things so I didn't know exactly where to post it. So I posted it on a couple of the forums.

Depression- I honestly haven't felt like I want to be alive in a while. The guilt just keeps me here. My family has done so much for me, I can't do that to them. I already feel ungrateful for feeling so bad when I am such a lucky person compared to most people on this planet. I've struggled with depression and obsessive suicidal thoughts since I was about 14. I feel numb.

Dermatillomania/ compulsive skin picking- I pick and bite at the skin on my hands, mostly my knuckles. I have since I was 15. I have definite damage on my hands like calluses and scars. My hands look ****ed up. As a musician, this really bothers me. Sometimes my hands throb with pain at the end of the day. I worry I will do permanent damage and it will affect my music. I also don't like drawing attention to my hands and performing music for people does exactly that. I do this all day long. I can't stop no matter what I try. It's hard for me to be honest with people about this because I am ashamed of it. People either say oh that's just a bad habit and say I should just not worry about it or think I'm absolutely crazy. I rarely find people who really get this. It started when I was taking a medication for ADHD it is actually listed as a side effect. Those medications are hell for anyone who has OCD tendencies. I feel like this behavior controls me. I do it so much throughout the day. I can't stop. It's like an addiction but I can't remove my hands so the temptation is always there.

ADHD- I took medication for about 10 years when I was growing up. I resented the meds a lot as they made my mental health problems much worse and gave me many side effects. Now I can't really take the meds given my mental condition and how they effect me. But my life is a disorganized mess. After having the clarity the meds gave me, I focus even worse than before I took them. The ADHD issues definitely increase my stress which affects everything else.

Anxiety- I have a ton of anxiety. Social anxiety too. I withdraw a lot. I get panic attacks and the anxiety affects my stomach and breathing a lot. They can come out of no where. I had a really bad one that resulting in me having to go to the hospital. My whole body basically shut down.

This is a very brief description of what I'm dealing with daily. I'm really good at giving off the persona that I'm okay. But I'm not. Even though I could get a job with my degree, I don't. I don't want to settle in one place right now. It's hard to be motivated about the future when I honestly feel like I don't even want a future. Also I have a processing deficit. School was a big struggle. Everything took me about twice as long as everyone else. So a normal 40 hour a week job is just way too much responsibility for me to handle right now. The outside work would take me so long that I would become sleep deprived like I used to be when I was in school and that makes everything way worse. I've done internships in the field so I know exactly how demanding a job would be and I would honestly have a break down. I'm barely afloat as it is. I'm moving around right now doing different work exchanges and living in communities. Finding jobs for 3-6 months at a time. That lifestyle is fitting me well right now. At the moment I am home looking for work and trying to save money for a few months until I go to a work exchange in the spring. But being home makes things worse. That is all I will explain for now. Please, any advice or support or any response would be nice. I really don't know what to do. I am very health conscious and have tried talking to about 6 different counselors. I can't find any that I can truly open up to. I also have basically no money right now so that limits options a lot. Healthy diet, exercise and spending time lots of time in nature has been what has helped me the most but still everything really feels like it stays the same even with that.