Jax, my stepmother was similar to how you describe your mother, I totally understood the why-when-I-was-a-teen thing, my stepmother did the same sorts of stuff because she was going through menopause (her excuse)!

I started weighing the pros and cons; the first time I did was when I got married. I was 39 and was thinking of keeping my name, not changing it to my husband's? I mentioned this to my mother and she freaked and I weighed it; she was 74 and would be around 10-15 more years (she died in 2001, 12 years :-) and I decided I didn't care enough either way about the name thing whereas I didn't want her complaining the next however many years, so I changed my name :-) I learned to judge what was and was not important to me in the long run and what sort of woman I wanted to be in 15-20 years when my mother wasn't around anymore.

I think we get better at what we practice and practicing staying away from people doesn't just go away when the people are no longer there? I would stay away from your family when you have something going on but I would join them when they have something going on. You only don't want them to wreck your life but why wreck theirs in return? Your mother wants you around on her birthday? I would show up. I would be pleasant but not say much and leave early for "another engagement." :-) Your mother/family isn't going to understand anything you do. But you still need to do things that help you grow as a person, to become a "better" person however you define it. Staying away from your mother and the confusion and pain it causes you -- is that worth. . . what? What do you gain by that? Neither you nor your mother gains anything?