WARNING: csa trigger!!! Do not read if you can be triggered



I haven't cut myself in months, only once or twice over the last year, and before that I hadn't done it in 2 or 3 years. But lately the urge to do it again is getting stronger.
Every night, when I try to sleep I feel like someone is near me only waiting to hurt me. Most of the time I feel like that person is against me and will rape me in the next few seconds... like I can physically feel some pressure on my private areas, and all I can think about is to cut myself in those areas to stop that feeling. I often wish I was horse, then a Caslick surgery where I would be sewn shut would be acceptable... I so often fantasize about doing it myself to feel safer, but I know that's a really crazy idea. Too bad I know a lot about horses, and the exact procedure for this surgery... Makes it that much more difficult not to act on it. I can't even believe I'm writing this... I thought I'd never tell anyone, but tonight I was on the verge of doing it...
I don't even know how to handle this, I'm so calm that it scares me! I only want this pressure on me to stop, but I don't know how to achieve that. I've already tried all my usual tricks and this feeling won't stop...

Please don't judge for what I wrote... I already feel bad enough about it...