So sorry for the heartache and struggles you're having with your daughter. I'm far from being any expert, but I think it's commendably lovely that you've both been so involved and supportive, and especially that you could be there so much for your grandson. Also definitely good that you drew the line at supporting her freeloader 'boyfriend'. And I hope and pray your daughter undoes that horrible heartbreak and lets her son resume contact with two very important people in his life.

There is much that sounds similar to my younger daughter ... She had major depressive disorder through childhood and was also often anti-relational, totally unappreciative and sometimes violent. She is now 17 yrs and has progressed out of most of the 'out-of-control' stuff and grown into greater responsibility on the one hand, yet there are also some elements of maybe borderline personality disorder that she's still not aware of on the other hand, and so she will sometimes blame usually her sister or me for distressing/ugly episodes she has when she's with us. But she is living and progressing independently and showing more of the warm-hearted qualities that were so strong in her as a small child.

I would dare to say I agree with your observation, that your daughter may also have something like a personality disorder ...? I'd suggest you look at the explanations of various types on this site and see if any of them seem to describe your daughter. And maybe from there you can go about learning about effective ways of reaching through that to her.

I do wish you well and hope respectfully loving relationship can be restored soon.