I know it's supposed to be a symptom of my disorder to be paranoid, but it's such a catch 22. I don't trust my doctors, or the people who say they're my doctors, and it's like no one knows anything is going on. They ask questions and I say what keeps me out of the hospital, and I can't help but think that that's what everybody is doing. And we all hear the same voices and everyone is a case study in how a human would and should react. And it's a test to see who lets out the secret first. I can't fail because too much depends on me. I don't even know if I believe in psychiatry anymore.
But I'm just so frustrated with myself, even writing this, because I don't WANT to be dramatic or poetic, my mom is like that. It's not about my words, I mean those do cause problems because sometimes I use terms that other people don't know. I just wish I could have normal thoughts instead of having my life get paraphrased by some Shakespearian wannabe. So sorry if I sound really pretentious or whatever. I think I could speak normally if I tried but then I'd have to lie to you.