What you describe sounds a lot like OCD, more on the obsessional side. I am not a therapist, I can just say that I have and still do experience much of what you describe.

Have you done any internet searching on intrusive thoughts? or Pure "O"? This may help you understand what you are experiencing.

I can relate to how obsurd, scary and frustrating these thoughts can be. My intrusive thoughts include hurting a loved one and when I have thoughts like that, I feel totally disgusted and ashamed of myself. But, at the same time, a part of me knows that this is a part of my anxiety, and the fact that we can understand and accept these thoughts as "just thoughts", harmless thoughts, we can finally begin to grow in understanding our disorders.

Just keep sharing when ever you need to. I would also speak with your DR about a referral to see a therapist that specializes in Anxiety disorders.

Stay well,

Jen