(((LilithOwl)),

What you are describing of yourself is "victim mentality". Abusers or even abusive alcoholics always "promise" they will change and be better. There is an apology and a time where things are peaceful, known as the honeymoon period, until these people
abuse again.

I lived through that for several years with my husband too. Many of the bad things he did he doesn't remember because it was during the black out stages with his alcohol addiction. My husband never hit me, but he did hurt me very deeply.

I know about the "love" part too. I finally put my foot down and that night he went to his first AA meeting and has not drank since. However, that bad part still pops up at times and it's been a very long road for me tbh.

I hope you found the strength in yourself to leave him. I am very sorry you have been a victim, but you have to think about "you" so that means you have to love yourself enough to save yourself and that might mean you need to finally have someone help you with that
part.

((Caring Hugs)))
OE