Yes, thank you for that. I used to suck my thumb then promptly graduated to drinking and smoking etc. I know what you mean about the 'blankey' effect. I am afraid to feel my feelings too. I feel like I am encino man and I am afraid to unfreeze (be sober forever) because a broken half dead woman is under all that ice. When it thaws, its going to hurt like hell. I know its coming. Like knowing someone is going to beat you up after school, the dread of it causes terror and we end up going back and sucking our thumb again, whatever our thumb may be these days. I am with you, wish I had some advice. I know its coming and I hope that it is true that whatever does not kill me will make me stronger. I am afraid of not being able to stop crying or function in my life. I have too many people depending on me to have a nervous breakdown. So it seems drinking and using are like pushing the pause button on complete healing. Oy, Ve! But all there is is hope, and I have been witness to people actually getting out of the life and I hear rumors that it is possible to be free. Some rats escape the mouse trap, who knew? Tells me it is possible.