We've had some really good sessions ever since I took that month break - who knew? Anyways, today was no different. I went in with nothing to talk but we ended up having a good discussion that detailed a lot of things about me/my past experiences that T never knew about.

We got on a subject and she went on to tell me that regardless of what people do wrong, I find an excuse for them - to make the pain go away. I told her, it doesn't make the pain go away necessarily, it just lessens it. So somehow, I was defending someone who (i don't even like) who had violated a boundary. We went back and forth a bit and I went on to tell her how the violation isn't a violation if you're aware of the situation, in control of it, and allow it to happen. She disagreed and said some things about other people violating my boundaries and then it happened: I disagreed and it ended up with me, for the first time with her, flailing my arms whichever way and raising my voice at her.

She asked what about the conversation had me angry at her, and I told her I was not angry at her. She asked what emotion I was experiencing, as I was obviously feeling something and I labeled it agitation. But I couldn't actually explain why I was agitated - I guessed it was because I felt like she wasn't understanding (i.e. agreeing) with my p.o.v. It's crazy because her point of view actually defended me!

I was totally thrown off guard by my reaction and slightly embarrassed but she was so happyabout it. She was happy to finally see me have an emotion about anything, and she called it a sign of progress. She did admit that she was intentionally gently pushing my buttons and explained it was safe to feel anger/agitation with her as our relationship is strong enough for it but I was just so surprised with myself.

Not sure why i'm posting; I think just to process it. It was such a mixed emotion moment for me. She was glad it was a breakthrough, I was glad that we actually were able to touch on things I don't generally touch, I was surprised I didn't see it coming, I was embarrassed that I acted that way, I felt appreciative of her response. Just so much from that moment.