Sorry that you are in that harsh and confusing situation. No wonder you had a reaction. If you can't get the disability thing, you will wish you didn't need it. It's just about trying to regain control because now you are not sure what is going to happen.

About meds, they are not a diagnostic tool. If they don't help doesn't mean you don't need some kind of help, just means the meds don't do what they are supposed to. I had a med that at first made me better for a year and then slowly made me worse, actually worse than I was. I hate that meds can do that. Still, I needed something, just wish there had been better meds yanno...

I hope you have a doctor that knows meds can change in effect over time and change things around. The least you need is a psychological load and then damaging meds on top.