Hi,
You gave me a lot to think about. Thank you for your responses and the time and thought you put into them. I like hearing everyone's different takes on it.
It was easy to take the ones who agreed and congratulated me on my growth- thank you. I'm sad you understand so well 'cause that means you've been through it too but I'm glad you understand what I'm going through 'cause I don't feel alone- you let me know I'm not the only one.

As for the responses that challanged me. I got a little tense when I read some of your posts (not tense towards you) but that was only because you posted exactly what my conscience keeps nagging me about. Your posts represent my internal struggle. I understand all too well what you wrote and why. I appreciate your suggestions and comments but there's so much more I'm not explaining because it goes pretty deep.
No, I really don't have an unhappy life-I have an unhappy family relationship-other parts of my life are very happy, as long as I don't let the unhappy family relations spoil that for me-which is why I have to get away from them.
I have to stop giving them excuses-there's no more excuses. She's 70 years old, she knows the difference between right and wrong. It's not just in the past, it's still here in the present and it promises to still be here in the future and I'm not having it anymore.
I'm afraid she's going to die. I don't want to live with that guilt but I don't want to live with people who make me feel so ashamed of myself and so unimportant that I think I must be the most horrible person in the world and nobody could ever possibly love me because I am sooo not worthy of being love-how DARE I ask for support, understanding and caring?
NO-I do not accept that anymore. I do not want that in my life drowning me anymore. I'm moving away from the furnace-I may think it makes me warm but in reality all it does is scald and burn me. There are other ways to get warmth-I shouldn't have to be burnt and scalded for it. No-I'm through with that.
Deep breath.
I'm letting them go but I'm going to forgive them and take control back over my emotions. They will not make me lose my self control and make me surrender my dignity for the sake of trying to be heard and understood. They can't hear me and if they do then they DON'T CARE!!!! That's okay though-life never promised to be fair. It would be nice if it were different but it's not. They have their own reasons-they have their own insecurities and hang ups. It's not against me personally-it's about them. It's all them. And that's okay because I'm all me and I got my own insecurities and hang ups. But our insecurities don't mesh well together on my end. It ends up hurting me too badly.
I'm okay. I can do this. I'm letting go a little more.

Mom, I'm not going to the flower show, I'm not going to your birthday party. I love you as my Mother and I'd love nothing more than to have a happy relationship with you but our personalities don't mesh right and I'm happiest when I keep the family at a distance from me. Thank you for the invite but I'll be passing on them both. I'll be thinking of you and I'll miss you. Have a wonderful time at the flower show and a very happy birthday. Kisses, love Jackie.

Okay, it's done. Relief!