I cut myself when I feel the most pain. When it is so intolerable and I know not what else to do. Always related to matters of the heart... a man and rejection or fear of. It's my pattern. For this reason partially I keep them at arms reach... I build up walls so not to get hurt. I know where I go when it all goes wrong. The cut marks on my body have the face and the name of the man with whom it just didnt work. Those who I did let in and in turn felt intense pain when it came to an end. I am not proud of this behavior, but in the moment it seems like the thing to do. It serves so many purposes in that very moment. Every day after though I feel deep shame... these scars can never be erased. These marks keep people from knowing me and give them a reason to stay away. I am a monster and I have created a lonely life for myself. All I want is to find love and understanding and patience. I am fearful I will be alone with my monsterous self till the day that I die. This realization makes living so hard and everyday a struggle to make it through and want do it all over again the next day. I want out... but I have no idea where to begin such a feat. I am programmed now to self destruct.