i stuff my shame with food too. i think that part of it is self-protection / defence. i checked my BMI the other day. something that i had been avoiding doing for so long because i was worried i might be obese... turns out that i'm not. i'm in the normal weight range. it is still true that with respect to grabbing the flab i'm not so happy with my figure, however. i used to have less flab... i say that i wish i had less flab. because i really do feel very self conscious about the amount of flab i have...

but you know what? it is still self protective. because now i see people appraise me and they pass on fairly swiftly. when i was thinner they showed more interest and their appraisal was more considered. i don't know why... but i found that harder. i don't much like people looking at me and appraising me. now... it is like they pass me so they don't really appraise me. for some reason... that feels nicer. and it does feel nicer to have a bit more weight. when i was thinner... i felt different. more vulnerable or something.

maybe this is strange... don't know whether it makes sense to anyone else. so i guess i half heartedly wish i could lose a few pounds but i don't really seem to get any further ahead with respect to that... maybe because... all things considered... i'd prefer to be this weight.

though i need to get back into the exercise.