I completely understand but if your T told you to do it, then I think it comes down to trusting your T knows what you need. I sent my T an email this week for the first time and told him not to respond. But he did send a brief response and told me he was glad that I sent it

I feel like hiding my face in shame - that I would need to write my T like that is appalling to me. What must he really think? I'm so pathetic and needy and wrong and just yuk ...and he is going to think I'm trying to manipulate him and just trying to get attention and he's going to tire of me...blah blah blah and on and on it goes. So I definitely get that.

I have tried to commit to trusting my t knows what I need. I need connection. I'm lonely. I'm lost. I picture it as though I'm lost in a hole within my mind and T is on the outside just trying to get in. But I won't let him. It's not on purpose at all - just part of the work. Maybe try sending it and see where it leads? See if you can allow your T to help you out of the hole?