Hi. I haven't been to the dr, so I'm not sure what's up with me, but I do know I'm both worried about where my behaviors are heading and at the same time, terrified to stop doing what I've been doing.

I was obese a few years ago, and now I'm borderline underweight. At first dieting was normal feeling and I had a reasonable attitude, but over time I got weirder and weirder about it. At this point, I'm several clothing sizes below my original goal, get comments from others about how I look... but at the same time, get a lot of "good job" comments for not regaining.

BUT...

I obsessively count calories. I exercise every day for longer than is reasonable, and panic if I think I may have eaten more than I burned off. I binge 1-2 times per week, and then obsess over making up for it (through various methods, though not vomiting).

Food is constantly on my mind, and yet I feel afraid to eat it most of the time. I have been increasingly avoiding social situations because I stress out over what if I overeat at a party or what will I eat in a restaurant because it's all fattening. At home I will pretend I already ate or lie when asked what I had for lunch to conceal the size of my meals. This is crazy, because I am 40 years old.

I weigh myself 1-2 times a day, sometimes more. I am so worried I will get fat again that I can't stop thinking about it, double checking to see if I look fat, and picking on the parts of me that seem fat to me.

Like I said, I'm not super underweight, just a little. I feel like I wouldn't count because I'm not skin and bones, but at the same time, I'm worried that's where it's headed. Every time I drop another pound I'm so pleased, and I don't know if I will stop. At the same time, like I said, I'm terrified of gaining. I'm athletic now and I don't want to get weak.

Any advice? I feel like I'm too old for this!